Wednesday, June 27, 2012

the aneurysm of my heart

From the first day I met you I was hooked.. there was no going back. That one "look" changed my life. You always ask if I knew what I was getting into would i have stayed? The answer is: yes, yes a million times. I loved you for who you are and nothing could have changed that. Distance and time, they don't matter. You've loved me and accepted me for exactly who I am, you put up with my every flaw, and each day I fall more and more in love with you. I feel like you see my pain, and have a subtle yet distinct way of loving me, which brightens my day when i'm feeling low. You warm my heart when you tell me i'm beautiful, and although its not openly said, there is a kind of love that ties us together, but equally drags us apart. Its a safe kind of love, one that can be intercepted or temporarily forgotten. But that can always be redeemed and replenished. You are a beautiful mistake to me, and I know you think I don't see it. Your beauty and kind soul, but I see it more than anyone. You are that beautiful someone, who to me, despite relationships, distractions or consequence, have a place in my heart, and I love you for the person that you are. I won't ever ask for your forever, or even a functional relationship. You and I work differently to that, and at the moment, at this stage in life, where we both are, it somehow works. Amongst the mess of uncomplicating everything that is thrown at us, we are eternally together. And if one day you do meet that someone who fulfills you, and I am replaced, at least I told you what was real for me and all your worth. So, as you go and chase your dreams you will always have my heart. We're the dynamic duo. I am so proud of you. I love you bigger than the sky. 

The truth is, the thought of not loving you scares me. I can actually feel my heart clench at the thought of you becoming a stranger again.

... they say if you really love someone you let them go. And if they come back, they're yours. Only yesterday was the time of our lives. I keep my fingers crossed for you, and more selfishly, for us.

And to everyone else: if you love him, don't you dare let him go. Time is precious. Let the little things go and enjoy the time you have. If he makes you feel loved each and every day, if you can be yourself when with him, if he can make you laugh, if he is your best friend. Don't give up, in the end its worth it all. Believe.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

My mom's addicted to ambien.

Sometimes I think I act like some kind of.. pseudo-psychologist-know-it-all deeper than the ocean-star-crossed lover-big picture thinker-creative soul- kitchen sink astrologer- with daddy issues- who overstays her welcome. I'm insecure and i'm naive, and I give it all away upfront. I talk during movies and know endless amounts of useless trivia. In short, I am annoying. I am that sappy eyed puppy child that follows all the cool kids around.
I wonder whether or not I will see you again.  Whether or not fate is fate and love is love. Because I am curious and intrigued to a point of being overtaken. By what though. Something powerful yet pathetically ordinary. Something that opens the door to nostalgic oblivion deep inside my brain. But I am afraid.
I remember a great poet once told me.. that writing? Writing is about being honest. Honesty. Honestly? As simple as words. As simple as yes and no. Please and thank you. Your and you're. I hate you, I love you. As simple ad this paper and pen. I don't know what I am trying to say.
I just want to know if I am special. So that I can get a good nights sleep and say yes to the monster inside mr that yearns to be heard. Threatens to destroy. And only comes out at 3:27. am. I want to know because the unknown hurts more than the truth. I wonder if i'll ever sleep. 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Dialogue attempt

Riley: geez I have so much to do tomorrow I can't even sleep right now I have no time. Can you imagine how he felt when she said that to him? Oh what a brat she is so stupid!! Ah shoot I forgot. I was supposed to do laundry today. Yes i'm like ten loads behind. Maybe tomorrow then... hm you think that dress will be pretty? Sheesh i'm gonna be massive in those heels. Story of my life. He's such a hottie like seriously ahh! Such a cutie. I'll never forget him. Ever. Wow its 1:20am. Maybe I should sleep. But then again I have too much on my mind. Craaaaaap I needa practice. Maybe i'll go do that. But then at the same time I....


Monday, May 14, 2012


So umm.. here I am. 12:15 am on the night every late assignment is due. How brilliant of me. Yes, it was my plan all along. To procrastinate even to the point of no revival. To become such a failure even the gods are disgusted. Yeah well, what can I do. Turn back time? Beg my teacher for forgiveness and another shot? Another shot at what? To prove that... I can turn things in? Oh wait, I'm graduating in ten days. That might be a very short and utterly uneventful conversation. I don't know how to make up for all of the posts that I have missed besides, well, by actually doing them! So I will be up all night getting these done. Overall Nels, I have enjoyed this blog and it has really made me a different person. Made me realize that there is an abnormally obscure side of me that comes out when I am confidentially hidden behind another name that isn't mine. I like it. And as for now, if you need me, I will be hiding behind this computer screen for another few hours desperately trying to figure out how to reveal myself in such a discreet yet moving way.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

I may or may not be in love with this movie. Yes, this post is more than late. Should I get credit on it? Probably not. But you know what, I need to catch up pretty bad and actually do my work. I went to the premiere of this last week. THE AVENGERS. If I were to ever be the kind of person that said OMG on a regular basis, right now would be the best time to do so. It's crazy how much this movie impressed me. Is it nerdy of me? Does it make me look like a geek? But do I look like I care? I'm sorry I love the Hulk. I'm sorry. As of right now, this is my favorite movie. Until I go to some premiere of some movie that will top this. Buuut.... for now, I don't see anything beating this one. WOW. I'm not going to go on and on explaining the storyline because half of you stopped reading about six lines ago. So I will wrap this up right now. Thank you for coming with me this far. If you have. Who am I kidding I have nobody to thank. Thank you for nothing, you worthless reptile. Okay, now I'm done. Bye.    

Thursday, March 22, 2012

my skin is heavy with envy

On Turning Ten - Billy Collins

On Turning Ten
The whole idea of it makes me feel
like I'm coming down with something,
something worse than any stomach ache
or the headaches I get from reading in bad light--
a kind of measles of the spirit,
a mumps of the psyche,
a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.
You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
but that is because you have forgotten
the perfect simplicity of being one
and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.
But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.
At four I was an Arabian wizard.
I could make myself invisible
by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.
But now I am mostly at the window
watching the late afternoon light.
Back then it never fell so solemnly
against the side of my tree house,
and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
as it does today,
all the dark blue speed drained out of it.
This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
time to turn the first big number.
It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.

What do I have to say about this poem? Well, wow. I know this is everyone's favorite. But hey guess what. It's my favorite too.. I kind of have a post that is similar to this poem. I yearn for that reminiscing feeling of being young again and being and thinking a certain way. I reflect upon my past quite a bit and I wonder if it does me any good.

"If you cut me I could shine."  Open me up, gaze through the window to my prime. And maybe you'll see the real me.