Realtors & Refridgerators

Now we all know that being afraid of realtors, heaters, and of refrigerators falling and crushing you flat couldn't be more irrational and pathetically, kind of creepy. At least I sure hope that you think it is rather irrational. If not, I suggest you stop reading now. Have you ever thought of some of your fears and maybe discovered that they too are a bit irrational?
"But noooo being afraid of door mats is definitely NOT an irrational fear! I have perfect reason to be afraid of them!" - May I remind you, that in everyone else's eyes, a door mat? Seriously? Kind of odd. But hey, I'm not judging! I'm absolutely terrified of potato bags and freckles. Yeeeaaa.. Pretty bad.
  
 I think that we all know someone that walks around with the good ole' I'm-afraid-of-absolutely-nothing phrase stamped across their forehead. Just knowing how much of a distraught lie that is, is completely horrifying. Everyone has fears and  I mean EVERYONE. Einstein had fears, Superman has fears, and I'd bet even God has fears. Defining the term "fear" is like describing how salt tastes. Salty... umm, salty... scary... freaky... the variety is pretty scarce.

I know I'm not perfect and neither are any of you out there. I have just as many fears as the next guy. I'm afraid of sliding glass doors and those old, creepy, freakishly noisy, plastic blinds that we all had in our rooms ten years ago. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of suddenly losing the ability to blink. Every time I come across a spider, I get instant ominous rumblings of discontent and fear. And want to know something that terrifies me the most? Rejection. I'm afraid one day I'll wake up and not have one success throughout the day. That I will be the one with FAILURE written across my forehead and that everyone will laugh at me. 

That, is what keeps me going. The fear of rejection and lack of perfection. That burning motivation deep inside me that hungers for bigger and better things is what I hold on to. I want attention and I crave affection, so why would I let some old fear of blinds hold me back? It's simple. Because I won't. 

I miss you

In the words of someone with so much potential:

"I tried. I went to seek others hoping to find better. To try to forget your kisses, the softness of your skin, your smell, your eyes, your face. But it became worse. And it hurts. And despite what you did to me, I can not hate you. I hate not being able to forget, but I can not help it if I still love you.
I miss you K."


I don't know what to say. This is such a painful subject to talk about. I honestly don't know why I decided to write about this. But I think that if I can get through it and live to tell the tale, then people out there should hear it. Should hear that though life may be a struggle, it will always work out NO MATTER WHAT. There are so many ways I could express what i'm feeling.
I can't get you off my mind. Wherever I go, whatever I do, everything finds a way of relating to you somehow. Is my mind playing tricks on me? Or am I just on the verge of becoming legally insane. Maybe that might be the easier route. Let's just make this legal and it will be acceptable to be feeling this way. Yeah that's it. ha.. I've tried everything. I've tried telling myself that I hate you every day. Who am I kidding I can't out think my mind. My heart. The thing you want most will always prevail. ALWAYS.

Honestly, I don't know where I am going with this. I think that my love is too big for your heart. Too.. overwhelming. Unless you feel the same? Oh the money I would pay to know that answer. Well, if there is one thing that I know, it's that there is hope. For me, and for you. It might take months. Years. But I can promise that there will be a point where you are happy and when you feel as if life couldn't get any better. You might be in an endless wo that feels unbearable. The fact that the entire world is ahead of you? That. That right there should be enough. It should be a big motivation. It's mine. Keep going. Please.

Why am I thinking about you...

Tell me one thing. Why am I thinking about you? Seriously, out of all the things I could be thinking about right now YOU are the one that is contstantly there with me wherever I go? It's like my mind defaults to you every single time. I want to stop it. I really do. But.. don't really know how. How to get you off my mind. But secretly I want you there! Oh yes I want you there. I'm thinking about you idiot. Get over it.

I'm thinking about you like...winter thinks about snowin, rappers think about flowin and wind thinks about blowin. Dangerously. Like off the road and into a tree. Like, hey I want to kill you cause you're making my mind go crazy dangerously. 

I'm thinking about you like robbers thing about robbing and sobbers think about.. sobbing. Cause what else to sobbers think about? Sob, sob, sob. Ing. Over and over again till my eyes sting. 

I'm thinkin about you like the damned think about heaven and the righteous think about, heaven and the helpless think about, oh I don't know.. heaven. 

Damn it i'm still thinking about you!! Like love thinks about hate and hate thinks about, hate. Like gamblers think about chips and Joey Chestnut thinks about clearing his plate.

I'm thinkin about you like i've never thought about anyone before. Like preachers think about salvation and teachers think about education... and stuff. Like food thinks about me and I think about food. Only when i'm not thinking about you of course.

Lastly, i'm thinking about you like time thinks about going faster and how I think about the next chapter. Of my life. Are you in it? I sure hope so cause i can't get you out of my mind. Do me a favor.

Either get out, or make each of my exploding brain cells worth it. 

Thank you.  

oh to be young

Being young. Feeling free and capable of anything. Being able to capture every single moment and transport yourself to any world imagined in the blink of an eye. Creating your own wardrobe to Narnia where you become queens and kings with castles and magic.

Being young enough
....... to laugh at peepee and poopoo
....... to cry over a melted popsicle
....... that you'll always be the one in front of the camera not behind it
....... to not know what love is

I wasn't your "typical" child in the worlds eyes. I dreamt of the future, not unicorns or rainbows. More like my future career and where I was going to live with my husband (who I quite often pondered about as well). As much as that seemed logical back in the day, I look back and think to myself, what on earth was I thinking? I should've been jumping in puddles and doorbell ditching like they did in the video. My mind should've been where every other 5 year old's mind was. On cloud 9. I'll say this much: I MISS BEING YOUNG.

Give me a time machine so I can go back. I miss the good days when my day revolved around getting a nap and watching a cartoon. Back when barbies were my best friends and I didn't care how i looked or what I wore. Back when I had the confidence of a thousand monkeys. I could go all day. Back when Cinderella was my hero and the only sad story I knew was Humpty Dumpty. I knew no drama or the feeling of being hurt or depressed; or stressed. What a care free life. What I would give to be that age again. Back when Santa came once a year and left me my favorite gifts. Back when being a child was a gold medal that you wore proudly around your neck.

Growing up is not everyone's fantasy though. In my case, I would've loved to go off to Neverland for the rest of forever. Life gets more and more tough as each birthday comes and goes. Gets less glittery and more.. dull.

If you can take one thing from this pathetic, dragged-on-way-too-long post, take this: being young was no embarrassment. Is no embarrassment. It's now more of a mystical reminiscence. And for as long as you live, promise me that you will never disregard that feeling deep inside of you that yearns to jump into puddles and run across graveyards.

to whom it may concern

What is love?

You know what, I honestly don't like writing about love. Its can be so depressing but exciting and beautiful. Yet, I find myself writing about it all the time. Why?? There are so many different definitions of love. From a six year old's perspective, it might mean getting to borrow a crayon from a "cute" boy in your class (but what is cute really mean when you are six like really).  From a 15 year old's perspective, love might be interpreted by that random eye contact with your secret lover you make in class. From a 27 year old's persepctive, it might mean heartache. Pain. Disturbance. All because of a past experience perhaps. See what I mean?? It could mean absolutely ANYTHING. To me? Psh what does it matter. Love, is an exhale of relief. A breathe of freah air. Hey, I finally found it. LOVE. And if you ever really question what you love, pay more attention to wear your mind wanders. That, is where answers are found.